This day, I am crazy.... yet not so....

Hey,

There is nothing more in life that a person can want but to be accepted. Some claim that they don't require the acceptance of others to be happy, but if you dig a little deeper that is not the case. If they ever settle to a significant other, and you ask them why they settled with them, most would reply "they accepted who I am." Even with that statement they have proven that they care what someone thinks of them, but pointing that fact out to them will get you nowhere in the conversation. They would either be happy in that fact, or they would deny and spiral into incomprehensable jabber. Unfortunately I have the desire to fit in. And I don't fit in well. I am a bit of a nerd at times, a stupid one at that. I know alot of random information that means nothing to life in general... I don't do sports, I don't really have much of a hobby that I can claim, I try my best in everything I do, I stay clean of trouble (as much as possible yet it seems to find me), Basically I fail at fitting in. I am at a loss for my own physical and mental health. I smoke to feel better, a habit I started to try to fit in. I bounce in and out of my families acceptance, more frequently out of it than in. And I show very little gratitude for the acceptance that I get. In many ways I am a bit of a self forfilling prophocy. I am loved I know that... But more often than not I tend to the darker side, I feel that they love me out of obligation. My mother, who was an alcoholic and did some nasty deeds in the thralls of her desease loves me very much, but I can't seem to just accept that for what it is and I always look for an hidden motive. I see in that that she is seeking a way to make up for what she did as a drunk. My father and my sisters I am sure on some level still love me, but they don't talk to me anymore, my own sister turned away from me when I attempted to speak to her. I know that she feels no love and compassion for me, I know this because I felt it in that moment. My Aunts and Uncles love me and I know that, I can feel that. But I can't be turned from the doubt... There is this voice in my head telling me that it is not so. That I am not loved, that I am not accepted by the friends that I have, that my co-workers see me as the pinical of the strange and the freakish. I can be the happiest that there can be in the world and then out of nowhere, WHAM! NO! YOU CANNOT BE SO! All the doubt, mistrust, suspicion, hate, loathing, depression, and in general bad shit hits me, and I am reduced to a pile of emotions that I don't want. It is like sometimes logic and reason, the person I feel that I am, is locked away in a corner, and all that is left is dispair. And I live that every day. It gets so bad I can't breath sometimes. I can hardly sleep, my head is almost consistantly buzzing, arguing, debating, analyzing. And it is like that always. No matter the will power I use to shut it up, they yelling in my mind persists. It is only when I am drugged that it seems to subside. But even in that I revolt. I shouldn't need a drug to be happy in my mind. I should be in control of that more than anything else. If there is nothing else in the world that I can control, THAT should be one that I can. And it is not always so... and it has begun to leak out to my actions. I almost hit a friend for playfully nudging me, ruined a friendship yesterday by saying what should have never been said... I feel nothing but loss in life. Even the career path that I chose, has fallen down around me. Sure talk to me and you will see that all is well... But I am an actor. All is not well with me. Sure, outlook isn't so bad, logic deems that there is always something next, but inside.... Nothing can sate the darkness... it swallows the light of logic. Nothing is always nothing and forever will be so. I use to believe that these feelings were created by the person, feeling sorry for something that had happened to them, something they had done to themselves, and being here I feel the same, I know that I did it to myself, that I caused all this in my head, that it is MY head. I am in control. But why call such caos control? Why do I describe it so? Why should any person live like that? Why can I not feel a single joy in my bones or my soul? The only answer I can find is that I do not have the control I once did... I do not fit in... How can one ever hope to control their reality when they can't control their mind?